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She said, “You reinforce the myth that the reason men don’t commit is that the women in their lives do something wrong. In most cases, it’s the man in a relationship who decides he isn’t ready or doesn’t want to get married, and he makes this decision without any help from the woman." After telling Beth that more than three hundred women had worked with me on the marriage research and not one had made the comment she just offered, I apologized. My interviews with single men had shown there were men who would not commit.Beth was also right when she said that if I could help women identify which men were more likely to commit, I would be performing a real service.The single men we interviewed explained that when they get out of school and get a job and start making money, new possibilities open to them.For the first time, a majority of them have some independence.Finally, we had men in their sixties ask the questions, and that solved the problem.The responses they elicited were generally straightforward.
The age varies from man to man, but there are patterns that are easily identified: Still, there is no one-to-one correlation.When Beth, one of my better researchers, said that men who were averse to commitment were drawn to her like bees to honey, I gave her a copy of the summary report of my research on “why men marry.” The report showed that the primary reason a man asks one woman to marry and not another is that each woman treats him differently.After looking it over for about fifteen minutes, Beth returned the report to my desk and told me I was a male chauvinist. I was fond of Beth and trying to help her, so after I recovered, I asked her what made her think that.In fact, we threw out the entire study and started again.The second time we tried teams composed of men and women, but that produced mainly politically correct answers, which we also questioned.